What a Privilege

College has taught me a lot of things that I didn’t know. I’ve learned how to study effectively, I’ve learned how important it is to not spill nail polish remover on my computer, my people skills have improved, I’ve learned how to say “cookie” in sign language, and I’ve discovered that I have anxiety.

When I go through a stressful/demanding situation, my natural reaction is stress. And I mean intense anxiety. I stress myself out so much that it feels like my stomach is spinning around itself and then I’m dizzy and I can’t eat and my hands are shaking so it’s nearly impossible for me to get anything done because all I can think about is how stressed out I am. It’s very pointless but I don’t know how to not do it.

On a somewhat-unrelated note, prayer is really powerful.

When I was seventeen, I was part of a group that helped build a house in Alabama for a man whose home had been destroyed because of a tornado. It was an amazing week and I learned a lot about how selfish I am but shouldn’t be. On the last day there, our group was trying to finish one part of the house before we had to come back to Clemson, and it started raining. We were frustrated because we wanted to get as much work done on the house as possible, and the rain was preventing us from doing anything productive. We all gathered under a tarp to stay dry and prayed for the rain to go away, and just as we said “amen,” the rain went away. It was amazing. We got to work on the house for a few more hours before leaving to come back to Clemson and everyday life.

There are a ton of other stories that show how important and effective prayer is. And still, I stress when I have a lot to do instead of praying.

The reason I do it is because I don’t have to make the decision to be anxious. I don’t go through an overwhelming situation then stop and say, “Now how am I going to react to this?” I go through an overwhelming situation and before it’s even over I’m sitting there reminding myself how important it is to breathe (it’s really important to breathe).

I was having coffee with one of my Camp friends a few weeks ago and we were talking about anxiety and how we both feel it, both for school situations and life situations, and then she said that when she is stressed she prays and then she feels an amazing peace straight from God, and I didn’t know what peace she was talking about because I don’t do that. When I’m stressed, I stress more. 

This is my skewed philosophy: I worry because somebody has to. Because it makes me feel like I'm doing something productive. But I'm not. It just makes me miserable and that's no good. 

I need to teach myself to reroute that anxiety to prayer, kind of like forwarding a letter from an old address to a new one: this is not where I live anymore. When I go through a stressful situation, I need to stop and pray about it instead of jumping the gun and turning into this tense, snappy person who doesn’t know how to smile.

What is the point of prayer? It isn’t to get what I want, although I like to think so. The reason Jesus keeps me around is not for my happiness. He keeps me around because He loves me and wants the best for me, so when I go through hard stuff it’s because He decided that’s what I was going to do that day.

As a great man named Joseph Scriven wrote, “what a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer.” And it is a privilege. Once I do it, I feel so much better about whatever’s going on, even if I still don’t know what’s going on. My friend was right about the peace that God sends when I talk to Him about what’s going on. And even thought He already knows (and even planned all of it out for me, down to the millisecond) what’s going on, He wants me to tell Him because He’s God. It’s His job to be my Father. So I need to let Him. 

love,

Lauralicious