Some people stretch the truth, but I find myself doing the opposite. I shrink the truth. The truth is heavy, and it's a lot to handle, and it looks like it will hurt me. I'm scared by it. So I get as close as I comfortably can to it, remaining independent and avoiding vulnerability. I tell myself things that are almost true, but not quite - like that all I want is to be adequate, but nothing more, or that I'm almost completely self-sufficient and if I try just a little harder, I can get there and be fully free from needing anything but myself.
But those things aren't the truth. The truth of my need for Jesus does not go away if I avoid it, and trying hard and wishing do not give me the things I want if those things are anything that isn't Christ.
I tell myself that I want to be adequate and that's all and that's not so much to ask, but I know that I want more. I want to be everything. I want to be the standard that everyone else is stretching to reach. I want to exceed all of the expectations and overcome all of the challenges in the world and be an inspiration to all people. I want to win, and then dangle my superiority above the heads of all the peasants below me.
And I want to be self-sufficient. I want to not need Jesus or any person. I want to be able to take care of myself - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I want to not know what loneliness is, because I'm all I need. I want to not have to feel.
These things that I tell myself are okay to want and strive for are so close to the truth that they're far away, because to get to real truth from there, I have to back up and change everything: primarily, my motivation for living. And if I had those things, I wouldn't know joy or grace. All I would know would be me, and I'm just not God, and nothing I can do will make me Him.
I do want Jesus, and I need Jesus, and I don't realize how much. He is joy and grace, and I can't be those things for myself. He forgives me for thinking I can be Him, and He shows me how wrong I was.
The truth is that I need Jesus. I need Him more than I needed braces twice in elementary school and more than certain celebrities need psychiatric attention (I mean that in a kind but honest way). The truth is that I am free from feeling like I need to look out for myself and use solitude as a defense mechanism from vulnerability. The truth is that I am free from trying to be all I need. The truth is that I am free. The truth is that I'm Christ's.
Love,
Lauralicious
Friday, February 27, 2015
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Faithfully and Well
The common thread uniting most of my worries is helplessness and lack of control. I can't fix the things that are broken. I can't make the terrible things stop and I can't make the bad things improve and I can't push the potential good things enough to make them happen.
When I say "broken" and "terrible" and "bad," I don't mean trivial, not-great things like only wearing two pairs of socks when I meant to wear three or four, so my toes are a little chilly. I mean irrevocably awful things, like that sinful people trick themselves (ourselves) into thinking that they're (we're) competent without Christ to live life, and then ruin everything. I feel helpless because I'm timid, because I'm insecure, because I am not in charge.
I skew myself into thinking that I if I just had a little more authority, if more people listened to me, if I were a little bolder, if I were a little more confident, things in the world could be a lot better. I never admit to myself that I am a sinner and contribute to problems in the world. I keep coming up with more solutions for how to fix all of the problems that the bad people cause.
My desires for the world are valid. My motives are clean and make sense, but they aren't comprehensive of every contributing factor to the problem. My desire is to be God and to fix all of the things I see that are broken. I want to smooth over all of the effects of sin in the world. However, the reason that the effects of sin in the world are visible is because sin is present in the world. It's not my role or responsibility to fix this problem. I can't even see the whole problem.
I keep a list entitled "Other People's Words," and it's a long list of just that: words that other people have written or said that aren't relevant to me but I think are beautiful or true. I write them down when I hear or read something that I never want to forget. I scrolled through these the other night when I felt like I was at the breaking point of my sadness and weariness and helplessness at the sad things in the world. I read through one quote slowly. It said, "He loves the people I love more than I love them." This is significant.
This makes a difference in my attempts to fix and control the world, because this means that there is a plan, and it's not my plan. My plan is self-focused and choppy. This plan is God's plan, and it's for the whole world, and it's graceful and good - "good" as in pure and holy, not just as in fine or adequate.
And because He loves the people I love more than I love them, He has their ultimate good in mind. He enacts His providence on the lives of all people, and He doesn't ignore something because He doesn't know what to do about it. Providence means provide, but in more than just a food way. Providence means God's in charge, and that's great news.
He even loves me more than I love me, and He loves me better than I love me. The plan I have for my life will not happen, because the plan that He has for my life will happen, and it will be greater than I could have planned. He knows what I need, and I only know what I want.
God's providence for my life, for the people I love, for the world is trustworthy. His plan for the world is much vaster than I can imagine, and it isn't my job to try to micromanage Clemson. I can find relief in knowing that I am unqualified, unable, and unfit to run the world. I can find rest in knowing that God can run the world, and that He does so faithfully and well, and has been doing so even before I realized it or was alive.
When I say "broken" and "terrible" and "bad," I don't mean trivial, not-great things like only wearing two pairs of socks when I meant to wear three or four, so my toes are a little chilly. I mean irrevocably awful things, like that sinful people trick themselves (ourselves) into thinking that they're (we're) competent without Christ to live life, and then ruin everything. I feel helpless because I'm timid, because I'm insecure, because I am not in charge.
I skew myself into thinking that I if I just had a little more authority, if more people listened to me, if I were a little bolder, if I were a little more confident, things in the world could be a lot better. I never admit to myself that I am a sinner and contribute to problems in the world. I keep coming up with more solutions for how to fix all of the problems that the bad people cause.
My desires for the world are valid. My motives are clean and make sense, but they aren't comprehensive of every contributing factor to the problem. My desire is to be God and to fix all of the things I see that are broken. I want to smooth over all of the effects of sin in the world. However, the reason that the effects of sin in the world are visible is because sin is present in the world. It's not my role or responsibility to fix this problem. I can't even see the whole problem.
I keep a list entitled "Other People's Words," and it's a long list of just that: words that other people have written or said that aren't relevant to me but I think are beautiful or true. I write them down when I hear or read something that I never want to forget. I scrolled through these the other night when I felt like I was at the breaking point of my sadness and weariness and helplessness at the sad things in the world. I read through one quote slowly. It said, "He loves the people I love more than I love them." This is significant.
This makes a difference in my attempts to fix and control the world, because this means that there is a plan, and it's not my plan. My plan is self-focused and choppy. This plan is God's plan, and it's for the whole world, and it's graceful and good - "good" as in pure and holy, not just as in fine or adequate.
And because He loves the people I love more than I love them, He has their ultimate good in mind. He enacts His providence on the lives of all people, and He doesn't ignore something because He doesn't know what to do about it. Providence means provide, but in more than just a food way. Providence means God's in charge, and that's great news.
He even loves me more than I love me, and He loves me better than I love me. The plan I have for my life will not happen, because the plan that He has for my life will happen, and it will be greater than I could have planned. He knows what I need, and I only know what I want.
God's providence for my life, for the people I love, for the world is trustworthy. His plan for the world is much vaster than I can imagine, and it isn't my job to try to micromanage Clemson. I can find relief in knowing that I am unqualified, unable, and unfit to run the world. I can find rest in knowing that God can run the world, and that He does so faithfully and well, and has been doing so even before I realized it or was alive.
So everything can be okay.
Love,
Lauralicious
Lauralicious
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