Some people stretch the truth, but I find myself doing the opposite. I shrink the truth. The truth is heavy, and it's a lot to handle, and it looks like it will hurt me. I'm scared by it. So I get as close as I comfortably can to it, remaining independent and avoiding vulnerability. I tell myself things that are almost true, but not quite - like that all I want is to be adequate, but nothing more, or that I'm almost completely self-sufficient and if I try just a little harder, I can get there and be fully free from needing anything but myself.
But those things aren't the truth. The truth of my need for Jesus does not go away if I avoid it, and trying hard and wishing do not give me the things I want if those things are anything that isn't Christ.
I tell myself that I want to be adequate and that's all and that's not so much to ask, but I know that I want more. I want to be everything. I want to be the standard that everyone else is stretching to reach. I want to exceed all of the expectations and overcome all of the challenges in the world and be an inspiration to all people. I want to win, and then dangle my superiority above the heads of all the peasants below me.
And I want to be self-sufficient. I want to not need Jesus or any person. I want to be able to take care of myself - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I want to not know what loneliness is, because I'm all I need. I want to not have to feel.
These things that I tell myself are okay to want and strive for are so close to the truth that they're far away, because to get to real truth from there, I have to back up and change everything: primarily, my motivation for living. And if I had those things, I wouldn't know joy or grace. All I would know would be me, and I'm just not God, and nothing I can do will make me Him.
I do want Jesus, and I need Jesus, and I don't realize how much. He is joy and grace, and I can't be those things for myself. He forgives me for thinking I can be Him, and He shows me how wrong I was.
The truth is that I need Jesus. I need Him more than I needed braces twice in elementary school and more than certain celebrities need psychiatric attention (I mean that in a kind but honest way). The truth is that I am free from feeling like I need to look out for myself and use solitude as a defense mechanism from vulnerability. The truth is that I am free from trying to be all I need. The truth is that I am free. The truth is that I'm Christ's.
Love,
Lauralicious
No comments:
Post a Comment